Braindead Shithead
Saturday, February 25, 2006
contract of marital expectations
Before our marriage, you will receive a handbook of my favorite sexual positions and tricks in bed. It is your responsibility to study the material and know it by heart. You will be quizzed at least once a week.Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Now the wife.
...
Every third Saturday of the month unless otherwise notified, you will make me a pot of chili according to the family recipe, which will be given to you after we consummate our marriage. The chili will be 4-alarm - not 3, not 5. It will make me fart a lot. When this happens, you will either pretend not to notice or giggle at each occurence. Because farts are funny.
...
You will also be asked to shave your pubic hair into designs of my specification for holidays and special occasions. The seasonal designs will include, but not be limited to, the Easter Bunny, Jack-O-Lantern, and the Nativity Scene.
My friends are very important to me. They offer me support in ways that you can’t because well, you’re an emotional retard. They also are your ‘get out of jeans/shoes/furniture shopping free’ card (Hereafter, “GooJSFSF Card”). Sometimes my friends and I will have disagreements, mostly because they disapprove of you. I will want to vent about this, during which time you may say mean things about them, but that is the only time you may do so. You may not have sex with my friends, make inappropriate advances towards them, comment about their ‘hot asses’ or ‘great boobies’, or try to set them up with your deadbeat friends or brothers. Or your father.Hmm. I have to think about these a little bit.
...
You will be required to shower me with gifts and tokens of your love and appreciation on a surprise and regular basis. You will be required to know exactly what I want, when I want it, without any sort of guidance or input from me. This is where those aforementioned ‘psychic abilities’ will come in handy again.
Anyway, enjoy!
Friday, February 24, 2006
keep an eye out
The horror...
I love this song, was singing it all day today for some unknown reason, and the ran across this little bit of...
yeah.
This is what acid and the '60s did to people.
And, this was from those four wonderful boys tossed together to play a band on t.v.
I think it's amusing that this was taken off MTV2, as the little logo in the corner tells us...
Besides...I want one of those stripey backdrops for MY life.
And, as an added musical bonus, you HAVE to go check out Dictionaraoke. Okay, before you think "Uh, singing all the words in the dictionary?" No, it's clips from online dictionaries, where people are pronouncing the word. And, they've taken such classics as "Blitzkrieg Bop", and "Breaking the Law", among a host of hilarious others, and used the dictionary voices to...uh..."sing".
Fucking hilarious.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Nothing brings a smile to my face like monkeys.
When You Really Look at It...
The premise? (Perhaps unexpectedly) difficult choices... Here's the first:
Keanu Reeves or Brendan Fraser?
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
i love animated gifs
this one's kinda cool, but still unsettling.
one for you Big Lebowski fans.
strange.
not animated, but I still dig it.
Mr. T really has the moves.
well, he seems to be enjoying it. I mean, reeeaaalllyyy enjoying it.
a final gif to ponder as you drift off to sleep.
don't look into its eyes!
Slippery Nipple
The Gay Pimp-plus a little girly action
You will NEVER think of the line "Help a buddy out" in the same way again.
"Fuck them bitches! Take it from your Gay Pimp daddy!"
This was the first song I ever heard by him. Oh god, the homosexual hi-jinks!
And now, to help those of you who might have just had the trauma of seeing a gay white man try to rhyme and fail miserably, I give you this bit of misogyny.
I just have a couple statements to add.
First off, how the hell does the leader of the class manage to NOT flash any fleshy bits in the dog-squat leg-lift?
This is not Stripperobics. It's not even Jazzercise. This is clearly "Dancing in '80s Music Videoerobics". For real. Didn't like every rock video in the '80s have girls writhing/bending exactly like that?
And, finally-I think the end is totally spoiled. He needs a boyfriend to meet him after class.
There's even a woman in there with the referee leotard. With a BELT. No money was spared procuring that vintage work-out gear, let me tell you!
I couldn't let this little tidbit go by.
Who doesn't like a man with a pencil thin moustache who makes a 300 lb. drag queen a household name?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The reason I love Jim Carrey
I think I'm going to curl into a ball and rock myself for awhile.
SHE HAS GREAT GRANDCHILDREN!!!!
I don't care if he couldn't have kids with his last wife.
Why couldn't they be content with the TEN KIDS she already had?
Plus, she's blind. Born that way.
Having a kid at 58/59 wasn't good enough?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
REDDING, Calif. -- A 62-year-old woman gave birth Friday to a healthy 6-pound, 9-ounce baby boy, becoming one of the oldest women in the world to successfully bear a child.
Janise Wulf gave birth to her 12th child. She is also a grandmother of 20 and a great-grandmother of three.
Family members said the delivery went smoothly, despite earlier concerns about the mother's health. Wulf, a diabetic, experienced swelling and high blood pressure last week, prompting doctors to perform the Caesarean section a week early.
Wulf and her third husband, Scott, 48, named the red-haired boy Adam Charles Wulf. He follows just 3-1/2 years behind his older brother, Ian.
Wulf was impregnated both times through in vitro fertilization.
The oldest woman on record to give birth is 66-year-old Adriana Iliescu of Romania, who had a Caesarean section on Jan. 15, 2005.
God help me. God help us ALL.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Monday Night Filk Out
Continuing with our fanboy scifi geek theme from last night here's some other tunes you probably don't get to hear that often. I suppose there's a reason for that, but damn if I can think of it right now. I threw Sleestak Are Scary back into the mix just because I like it so much. Feel free to skip around as you please.
this clip is naughty!
This just in... Abe Vigoda is still alive
...was hit by a bus as it rounded the corner of Columbus Avenue and 86th Street at about 6:30 p.m., and was pronounced dead at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital Center shortly thereafter, the police said.Wonderful character actor. We all remember the Al Pacinos and Dustin Hoffmans but it's these guys who really make for great films.
Beware of Sleestak
J.R. posting the intro to H.R. Pufnstuff reminded me of my favorite piece of Sid & Marty Krofft prepubescent psychedelia — Land of the Lost. Which reminded me of this little ditty by the band Tastes Like Chicken. I think the band is defunct since I can't find them online anymore, so I hope they don't mind me posting their great parody tune Beware of Sleestak. BTW: I discovered this many years ago over at the frighteningly comprehensive Land of the Lost fan site Tyrannosaurus Lex.
Beware of Sleestak
Tastes Like Chicken
Big green guys with jewel-like eyes
come to get me in the middle of night
they're gonna skin me, then eat me alive
I'm lost, I'm lost
find me
When I look all around
I can't believe the things that I've found
Marshall, Will, and Holly can't help me now
I'm living in the land of the lost
Enik is a good Sleestak
he can help me find my way back
maybe not
'cuz he can't keep his anger in check
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
Dinosaurs are everywhere
the Lost City can be found over there
someday Uncle Jack will fall from the air
with the help of a parachute
Hanging out with a monkey-man
Pakuni know the lay of this land
over here's a swamp right there quick sand
and
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
I want to go home
far from this land unknown
I really don't like
these things that I've been shown
maybe this pylon holds the key
Freak storms and endless streams
triceratops and poison weeds
weird mushrooms
that I've been forced to eat
seem to do strange things to me
Suspended from the roof of a cave
down below is surely my grave
the Sleestak God is calling my name
if I fall down
I'll be his lunch
Chak-kah can't talk very clear
I've gotta get myself outta here
surrounded by my childhood fears
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
Sleestak are scary
Old Shit
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