Braindead Shithead

Dude, the title says it all.

Here

C'mon, admit it. You watched it. We all have.
Goddamn Tanners!

I think the answer to that old musical question from 1924 has to be, "No". I mean, come on, it's made out of plastic but what the hell, we're all about the education here on Braindead Shithead so here's a video that shows you exactly how your bubblegum is made. You know, if sugar wasn't hydroscopic (inhibits bacterial growth) and plastic wasn't biologically inert, this stuff would probably kill you.

That is all.

Well, I've become an avid reader of Fark the past few days, mainly because I've been spending more time online than usual, and get bored easily.

Anyway, here are a few top-notch random goodies I found on there today. I'd put up pictures, but hate Blogger Images, which frequently does not work properly. So you just get links.


This is what you can do with a whole whack of Gatorade bottles and plenty of duct tape.
To borrow a phrase "And remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."


Here is an aerial photo of a "detention basin" in Des Moines. Now, call me crazy, but what I really think of when I see this picture is...a cigar.

And, last but not least, This little gem of a story in which a woman, pissed that her puppy died, goes back to the breeder and beats her about the head. With the dead puppy.
Everybody sing with me now..."Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies aren't much fun, oh no no..."

Amen, brother! From America Rock comes "No More Kings."

I'm fascinated by the whole issue of "Backmasking". Whether or not it actually makes people do crazy shit, like put shotguns into their mouths and pull the trigger or eat fiber until their colons explode (okay, I made that one up), is secondary to the fun of trying to decipher the secret messages.

I pulled this from my archives, where it was forgotten until I saw something WFMU did the other day. Maybe you've seen it; there are several examples of backmasking in rock songs located on Jeff Milner's website. To be honest, I have trouble hearing some of what is supposedly being said. But like the entire backmasking phenomenon; the fun is in spinning the myth, not proving it.

More classic music videos, this time from Electric Light Orchestra. It's practically impossible to have grown up in the 1970s or 1980s and not have loved ELO so I'll skip my usual fawning over these rare gems. One thing to note however is the style in these videos. We tend to think of the 1970s and 1980s as the land of cheeze but in reality this was an incredible time for design and it shows through in so much of the popular culture. Ah well, I said I'd skip the bloviating so just enjoy the vids. Hopefully you'll get as much out of them as I do.

Set list: The Diary of Horace Wimp, Last Train To London, 10538 Overture, Here Is The News, Secret Messages, Don't Bring Me Down

So, I was just talking with a friend of mine, telling her about youtube, and how she could find stuff for her daughter, who's one, to watch on there.
I looked up Sesame Street, and what should I find on the first page other than THIS!



I love me some Johnny Cash.

If you follow all of the helpful advice in the items below, you will be swimming in chicks, man!

Let's start with a couple of selections from the great album "Picking Up Girls Made Easy." In the first audio clip, the narrator describes how to make the perfect pick-up in this new kind of place called a "singles bar". I know this is challenging stuff, so be sure to have a paper and pencil handy to take notes.


Next, we have a clip called "street pick-up". This one is extra special because it's animated!



The internet is overflowing with information about picking up chicks. While some of this material is illegal in Southern states, it is helpful and practical for everyday situations. Ask Men.com is full of great information, such as, "How to finger a girl" and "Swollen Testicle." Don't get caught unprepared!

It seems everyone has an opinion or theory about scoring with the babes. From the less sophisticated...


To the highly researched...



So learn, my horny friend! Take this information and use it to the full. You can thank me later.

Next to the Two Chinese Boys and Zlad, one of my favorite videos of all time. In case you're wondering about the animation and the odd cross between the Flintstones and Star Trek, this is one of the episodes of Brian Matthews' Stone Trek. Lots of great episodes there if you've never seen it, and absolutely hilarious. Music is the classic parody tune Star Trekkin' by The Firm. Sorry for the video quality. It was the only one I could find. If you watch the original Flash animation, it's perfectly clear.

Paris Hilton's first video.
What do I say about this?
It's not as scary as The Hoff's. She isn't tone deaf. I agree with others I've read, it is a little "The Tide is High" for me, but the music didn't completely make my ears bleed, and thank god we didn't have to see any full breast shots.
All in all, a completely bland piece of music, IMO. Not horrible, but not great.
Though, considering what I expected, this is practically Beethoven's 5th.

Those two chinese boys are at it again!
Here are a couple recent additions to their all ready impressive catalogue.

This one...apparently somebody did a (german?) polka version of the song "Dadada".
I'm not impressed,musically, but they completely outdid themselves for this video.





And here they are doing, of all things, opera.
I wish I knew these guys wardrobe person.

Since Montag posted teh Hoff earlier today, I thought it was time to bring out the anti-Hoff, or Zladko Vladcik as he's known to his legions of fans and followers in Molvania. Oh, OK, so teh Hoff is still the undisputed king of cheeze since Vlad is only a figment of Australian TV personality Santo Cilauro but come on, we've all seen the Eurovision entries... Who's to say Zlad is any more real than any of them? After all, Eurovision was responsible for introducing ABBA to the world back in 1974 and you can't tell me you haven't thought, at least once, that ABBA was some form of parody of cheezy Europop. Besides, Zlad is more entertaining than your average Eurovision contestant. Now, prepare for down count! 5... 4... 3... 1... Off Blast!

"Gentlemen, within the next 2 hours we will endeavor to show you the processes and machinery needed to manufacture paper and the finishing processes required before it is ready for use by the customer." What follows is what can only be described as a "turgid" presentation to a hypothetical group of paper industry bigwigs.

This, and several other examples of turgidity can be found on this great record, "Actual Business Letters." I'm not sure the date of this album, but it smells like the 50's. I love shit like this.

Over the years, advertisers have tried nearly everything to make consumers buy their pile of crap. From catch-phrases and celebrity endorsements to the time-honored psychological techniques of punishment and reward, advertisers will do anything to get your soul (read:money).

I stumbled across a few very good and weird examples of this. The first is from the popular Rice Krispies ads, which used Snap, Crackle, Pop to sell their sugary yumminess. This is a rocked-out version of the Snap,Crackle, Pop theme. Very sad.


From the "Sell Your Soul" department of advertising come these jazzy ads for the United States Air Force. The first is a rocked-out jingle to promote the excitement that is the AF. The second is from...well, I'll let you listen and find out. Oh, Lorne, what were you thinking?

When will they learn? It's a small plane too, which means it's concentrated evil.

Monty Coles was 3,000 feet in the air when he discovered a stowaway peeking out at him from the plane's instrument panel — a 4 1/2-foot black snake.

"Nothing in any of the manuals ever described anything like this," the 62-year-old Cross Lanes resident said. But the advice given 25 years earlier from his flight instructor immediately came to mind: "No matter what happens, fly the plane."

Yes, that's always good advice when 3,000+ feet off the ground, because as we all know, it's not the falling part, it's the stopping that hurts. But what about that snake?

While maintaining control of the single-engine plane with one hand, Coles grabbed the reptile behind its head with his other.

"There was no way I was letting that thing go. It coiled all around my arm, and its tail grabbed hold of a lever on the floor and started pulling," Coles said.

So, could we say Mr. Coles was, umm, "choking the snake?" Knowwhatahmean knowwhatahmean, wink wink, nudge nudge?^*

Thankfully Mr. Coles was able to radio for assistance and get to ground safely. It's rumored the snake was attempting to secure passage to India in time for it's wedding.

Thanks to coturnix at Science and Politics for this find.

^*Hah! I slay me. A Monty Python joke in a story about snakes! And because we're all about value here at Braindead Shithead, I even threw in that Terry Gilliam reference up top for free.

This comes courtesy of Don't Feed The Monkeys, and ABC Australia.

A woman in India married a snake.
Not just any snake, a COBRA.
(insert snarky G.I. Joe reference here)


It was apparently a lovely ceremony, with 2,000 guests.
Jesus, if I ever get married again, I might be lucky to have 20 guests. There were 7 people at my wedding, and only 2 of those were spectators.
Right.



"The 30-year-old bride, Bimbala Das, said: "Though snakes cannot speak nor understand, we communicate in a peculiar way". (um, okay. Communicate as in, I stand around and talk to my snake/husband, and he stays in his hole. Wow, just like a real marriage!)

"Whenever I put milk near the ant hill where the cobra lives, it always comes out to drink.
(Way to a man's heart through his stomach, and all that...)

"I always get to see it every time I go near the ant hill. It has never harmed me."
(and that's a basis for a marriage? What, would a bite be grounds for divorce?) "

"The Press Trust of India says priests have chanted mantras to seal the union but the cobra failed to come out of a nearby ant hill where it lives.

A brass replica snake stood in for the hesitant groom."
(is it just me, or does that not bode too well for the marriage-the damn thing wouldn't even come out for the wedding?)

"Ms. Das, from a lower caste, converted to the animal-loving vegetarian Vaishnav sect, whose local elders gave her permission to marry the cobra."
(yeah, okay, this one has me totally confused. I didn't realize there was such a thing as permission to marry an animal. I mean, shouldn't you be asking the animal itself? Clearly, it's not as amused at this as I am.)

"Ms Das has moved into a hut built close to the ant hill since the wedding."

It says in the article that she was sick-not with what, just sick-and that since she started feeding the cobra, she's gotten better.
Hmmm...maybe that would work for me! I'll just scoot on down to the local Pet-Co and start feeding the snakes there. I wonder...if one is good, would two or more be better?

But, this last sentence makes it all make sense.

"Earlier this year, a tribal girl was married off to a dog on the outskirts of Bhubaneswar."

Right.

A monster J-Pop Sunday feature this week! Rightly so too, because Penicillin is one of Japan's monster acts. Think Metalica crossed with, umm, Pat Benatar? I tried to pick a selection that covers the full range of their style and how it's changed over the years. Actually I don't have much to say (a rarity!) because I really don't know that much about them other than they rock. Enjoy.

Set list: Hanazono Kinema, Miss Cool, Chaos, Little Love Story, Samurai Boy, Limit Complex, Imitation Love.

Soundtrack stuff this week. I love soundtracks, and I've accumulated a massive collection over the years. Here are some of my favorites. The first track isn't really from a soundtrack, but I found it on WFMU and thought it was neat.