Braindead Shithead

thank you, MTV. Thank you. Words cannot accurately express the gratitude and joy in my heart for the pain and grief you saved my formative years.

Now, you may be wondering what MTV could have done that, years later, would affect me so much.
In 1994, Hammer had all ready peaked and was on his way back down. I'd made all the standard jokes about him in jr. high. And yes, I DID have a pair of Hammer Pants. But in 1994, I was 15, a sophmore, and, most importantly, living with my dad. Who had CABLE.
I wasn't allowed to watch MTV, but I got home from school about 2 hours before he got home from work, and I was all by myself, so I could watch whatever I wanted. Generally a melange of "Animaniacs", The Jerry Springer Show, MTV, and Much Music.


I saw this video when it was first out. It was a new direction for MC Hammer, and to me, it stank of trying vainly to recapture album sales by adopting, if not necessarily the sound, at least the "image" of the emerging gangsta rappers. The fucking song has stayed in my head until this day (goddamned catchy backbeat!), and when for whatever reasons I decided I needed to hear "You Can't Touch This", I remembered "Pumps and A Bump", and thought I'd revisit the early '90s and have myself a good laugh.

This, this is the video I saw on MTV. It has Mr. Hammer fully dressed in the large puffy coats that were so popular in those days, saggy knit cap, big ass shorts, and massive tennis shoes. Nothing terribly offensive, all very "hip" and "now" for 1994.



But, as I scrolled through the Hammer offerings on YouTube, this, this, THIS horrible travesty of a trying to be a Wreckx-N-Effect video is what came up first. I started watching it, and saying to myself, "I know the song, but what the hell is thi--OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT! HOLY SHIT I JUST DISCOVERED WHY HAMMER HAS 6 KIDS!"
I am scarred, people. SCARRED!
No. You don't have to watch the entire thing. I don't think anyone should have to do that. Except for, perhaps, research purposes.



Apparently what happened, at least as Wikipedia tells it, is that the scary scary one was done first, and it flopped with test audiences, so it was remade with Hammer wearing three people's worth of clothing.
Thank you lord. Because, if, at 15, I had been that confronted by Hammer's baby-maker shaking, I don't know what would have happened.
Nothing good, I can tell you that RIGHT now.

So, thank you, MTV. Sure, I still hate you, but now you've given me two good things in life (I love "Daria"), so I'll cut you a little slack next time I hear about how much you suck now.

one bank on Vimeo

On this very serious and important Election Day, I thought everyone could use a little levity. And so I present to you...


From the Paragon Gifts site:

Your dog will jump for joy when he gets a whiff of these bacon-scented bubbles. Just fill the dispenser with bubble solution and pump the trigger to send a stream of scrumptiously scented bubbles into the air for Pooch to chase.

Screw the pooch, I want some of them bubbles!!!

I rarely click on video links from Fark, but this caught my eye. As "Worst. Music. Video. Ever."
I don't know about ever, I haven't seen all the music videos ever made, but dear god. DEAR GOD!
I had to share. This was too good to NOT share.





I'd generally use this space to make fun of the person in the video, but honestly? It's too easy.

Even better? He has MORE videos up there...I think I'm going to go rock in the corner now, and try to find my happy place.