Braindead Shithead
Saturday, February 25, 2006
contract of marital expectations
Before our marriage, you will receive a handbook of my favorite sexual positions and tricks in bed. It is your responsibility to study the material and know it by heart. You will be quizzed at least once a week.Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Now the wife.
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Every third Saturday of the month unless otherwise notified, you will make me a pot of chili according to the family recipe, which will be given to you after we consummate our marriage. The chili will be 4-alarm - not 3, not 5. It will make me fart a lot. When this happens, you will either pretend not to notice or giggle at each occurence. Because farts are funny.
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You will also be asked to shave your pubic hair into designs of my specification for holidays and special occasions. The seasonal designs will include, but not be limited to, the Easter Bunny, Jack-O-Lantern, and the Nativity Scene.
My friends are very important to me. They offer me support in ways that you can’t because well, you’re an emotional retard. They also are your ‘get out of jeans/shoes/furniture shopping free’ card (Hereafter, “GooJSFSF Card”). Sometimes my friends and I will have disagreements, mostly because they disapprove of you. I will want to vent about this, during which time you may say mean things about them, but that is the only time you may do so. You may not have sex with my friends, make inappropriate advances towards them, comment about their ‘hot asses’ or ‘great boobies’, or try to set them up with your deadbeat friends or brothers. Or your father.Hmm. I have to think about these a little bit.
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You will be required to shower me with gifts and tokens of your love and appreciation on a surprise and regular basis. You will be required to know exactly what I want, when I want it, without any sort of guidance or input from me. This is where those aforementioned ‘psychic abilities’ will come in handy again.
Anyway, enjoy!
I also like a contract between a punk and his man. I remember reading one it Rolling Stone, like 7-8 years ago...
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