Braindead Shithead
Friday, May 04, 2007
The Amazing Emo Spiderman
Spoiler alert!
Well, it's not so much of a "spoiler" as a half-assed movie review/criticism which won't really spoil the ending for you, but may, if I've communicated effectively, spoil your appetite for watching the movie at all.
(Highlight the area between the arrows to read.)
[Begin spoiler.] >Spiderman 3 sucks. They should have called it SpiderSUCK 3.
The reason this isn't a "spoiler" is that this is Spiderman. You already know the plot:
-- Because of Spiderman's nature, "bad guys" don't like him.
-- Because Spiderman does a shitty-ass job of hiding his identity, "bad guys" can get to him by endangering his girlfriend.
-- Because Spiderman's dead uncle was so fucking honorable and made such an impression on Peter, when faced with the choices that define him... well, after he fucks everything up with all of his angst and self centeredness -- Spiderman eventually does the "right thing," and inexplicably everybody forgives him.
There is nothing new here. Same shit, different movie.
What is new and interesting here, is: Emo Spiderman! Peter Parker gets exposed to some black meteorite juice which turns out to be a life form that attaches itself to a host and amplifies their powers, especially their aggression. It also turns your costume awesome! Spiderman gets a snazzy black kit, and Peter Parker gets a black dye job and black eyeliner, and rampages through the city in a dance number/shopping montage. He shops for... you guessed it... a black suit. Then, just in the unlikely event you didn't get it, (Emo Spiderman!) Spiderman swings up into the bell tower of a Gothic cathedral at night, where the Spidey-angst story arc reaches its climax... about an hour before the end of the movie. This is all a flagrant attempt appeal to the Emo demographic. I was, quite honestly disappointed, though, that the movie makers stopped short of an on-screen three-way between Peter, Mary Jane and Harry, complete with cries of "Love knows no gender!" Because, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it ALL THE WAY.
Topher Grace as Venom/Eddie Brock was brilliant. [Full disclosure: I loved That 70's Show and relished his cameo appearance in Oceans 11.] He had a couple of great moments, one being when, as Venom, during the climatic battle scene, he pauses to laugh maniacally. The laugh is pure Eric Forman. I dig that.
Thomas Haden Church as Sandman/Flint Marko was also quite good. Though in his big confession scene, Sandman's lips are so chapped that what I really wanted was for him to borrow Spidey's phone to call home... "Can you bring me my ChapSitck? ... My lips hurt real bad!!" ala Napoleon Dynamite. Come to think of it, Dude's fucking made out of sand! That's gotta dry out you lips, yo.
There wasn't nearly enough Willem Dafoe in this movie. They're going to have to figure out a way to resurrect him in the next one, if they want to save the franchise in my mind.
If nothing else, Spiderman 3 is good for a few laughs. At least, if you're like me, running a potential MST3K voice over in your head, and laughing when your not really supposed to be. (I did a spit take during Harry's emotional scene in front of the mirror, to the disdain, I sensed, of the die hard Spidey fans all around me.)
To the people who applauded at the end of this shitstorm... WTF? Inappropriate!< [End spoiler.]
: 11:58 PMJust kidding.
I was never a big comic book... er... graphic novel fan as a kid, so I'm probably not the person to ask about stuff like this. With the possible exception of the last Batman movie, every comic adaptation I've seen has left me cold. Even as a child, I found the first Superman movie to be cringe inducing.
I think it's the whole "super-power" thing that puts me off. For instance, I think "Unbreakable" is a fantastic film, and it's a comic book film through-and-through. It doesn't have some dude flying around or shooting beams from his eyes, though. It's good human drama.
Oh, well. Sorry you had to sit through such tripe (the movie's and mine!).
It's got a different flavor, like a "Peter David's Spider-Man 3" would have. I realized this halfway through his idiotic showing-off at the jazz club. The whole "I'm a black-suit badass" sequence made it feel like an homage to 70's cinema.
In fact, I realized during the fight in Harry's mansion that the music was not hero-climactic. It carried a sense that it was a game. When the bomb hit Harry, and the same music kept playing, it told me that Peter didn't care anymore, and that, for the time being, we weren't supposed to sympathize with him.
If you want to criticize this film, criticize it for the blatant video-game tie-in final battle sequence. I could just smell "Coming soon to PS3 and XBox 360 - at a retailer near YOU!" all over that CGI fight.
As far as I'm concerned, it's as good as Spiderman 1, and one or two notches below the masterwork that is Spiderman 2.
JR: I'm with you on the whole super powers thing, so the movie has to be really good, for me to be willing to suspend disbelief and be entertained by it. Of the more recent comic movies, I actually liked Batman Begins, but there again, Batman doesn't really have super powers, he's just a friggin Ninja.
Bluenight: I'd have much rather seen Terry Gilliam's Spiderman 3. Then we would be talking. To my mind the third-time-around replay of essentially the same plot is the most significant criticism here.
I didn't like the way the action sequences were done, though. It seemed like they were filmed by a guy running along beside the action with a handheld camera. It was so jittery that I found it hard to follow what was happening at times.
Don't know how well that will translate to game play. Maybe 'seizure inducing handheld' will be one of the available camera angles for playback on the game. What you say rings true, for sure. In every comic movie or kids movie, there is that one scene that seems to have been specifically made with the video game in mind. I call this "The Pod Race Phenomenon."
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